You're chatting to me, like we connect
But I don't even know if we're still friends
It's so confusing,
Understanding you is making me not want to do

And things that I know I should do
But I trip fast and then I lose
And I hate looking like a fool

You're the most important person in my life, you said these words to me and I felt instantly undeserving. But why? Have I not made myself available to be your confidante?Have I not attempted to make your attachment to me match my attachment to you? Perhaps it is the feeling that that position should be reserved for someone ...more. And that's what it comes down to. The inexplicable insecurity that sprouts from being with you. The feeling that I'm not good enough for you ...but good enough as what? I truly don't want to be your girlfriend because we are so much happier without that label.However I find myself enjoying the little things we do...that we shouldn't. Kissing goodbye, lingering embraces,going away for a weekend. All these couply things we do but WE ARE NOT A COUPLE.Yet I'm not willing to give these things up, the thought of having to limit the time I spend with you and restrain myself from doing things that feel natural, makes me sad.  I've met this great guy who spoils me and makes me feel so good about myself.Yet I find myself thinking of you. Every time he shows me something cool or new I have the urge to share it with you. Yet every time I feel you getting closer with another girl I panic. If I really cared for you would I not hope that you would find someone who you can fall in love with?Am I really that selfish? I feel like last friday was a culmination of all my insecurities from when we were together. I feel horrible about saying the things I said in her presence but at the same time she is one of the people who I could've seen you cheating on me with. How you kept saying she was such a cool girl that night you went to her birthday party instead of the party I had called you several times about. The night you were so tired of dealing with me that you probably thought about breaking up with me on the phone.It was only a couple weeks later that it was the same girl who you chose to make out with after our break up.And the same girl you almost slept with.

Obviously this was paranoia on a field trip and in fact I'm quite ashamed of my behavior. I boarded the psycho train but thankfully it was a round trip back to reality.We're not in a relationship and I when not under the influence I understand you have the freedom to do whatever and whoever you want.I just have no idea what I want. You have become so important to me that I don't really know how to handle this strike to my independence.How even this week of no contact has failed horribly on both our parts.Mostly because when something wonderful or horrible happens to me you're the first person I want to share it with. And as much as I tell you that you suck at comforting me sometimes it's just the act of telling you that makes me feel slightly better.You told me I couldn't ask you what we were because you wouldn't have an answer. And yes, that's fair because I wouldn't be able to answer it either. It's just that I feel like we're in a gray area and when the dust finally settles I don't want to not have you in my life. 

I was so blissfully happy in my single girl mentality until I met him. He had a bad reputation of jumping from girlfriend to girlfriend, sometimes cheating, sometimes in a gray area.So when I had met him I had said I would never want him to break up with his gf to make a move on me. Yet there was something slightly addictive talking to him.Maybe it was the part of me that liked assholes, and here he was flirting while he was still with his gf. I never wanted to be one of those home-wrecker types and tried my hardest not to flirt back. And then suddenly he was single. And I couldn't help but want to get to know him better. The summer blew by and I felt the bliss of for once being pursued by someone who liked me more than I liked them. And then even more unlikely we turned a summer fling into something more. But what more exactly. I had this mentality that we would never have a future together. And how great it was to be with someone who made me happy but wouldn't make me feel like I needed to stay.I didn't realize how much it would hurt to find out he felt the same way.The tables had turned without me knowing, I liked him more than he liked me. It was horrible, and it made me realize, if we don't see a future together, what's the point. True relationships where the two people aren't happy should end.But it's the chance of a future that makes people try to make the other person happy. So if we don't do that we're destined to end soon. He's Mr.Right Now. But then why am I so sad to think about when the time ends. He won't be Mr.Right Now , Mr.Right or Mr.Anything. He'll just be gone from my life. And it actually pains me to think of how attached I've gotten so fast. How did I go from being this commitmentphobe to trying so hard to be a good gf. It wasn't like last time when I was always thinking of having to do things, I do things because I want to make him happy. He's Mr. Right Now. And hopefully I can keep that in mind